You know it's time.....

Today I am going to write about something personal. More to get it off my chest than anything. I guess what happened this morning was just a straw. But it all adds up and I reevaluate myself. I feel bad and ashamed, but also tired and misunderstood. And not appreciated and stupid. And naive. I feel like everyone in town is laughing at me, for attempting such a stupid endeavor.

Many of you may know that I own a small café in a small town. I did not set out to have a café, as there are heaps of those. I wanted to have a wine bistro. I live in the middle of wine country but there is no where to go for a glass of wine and to relax. "Everyone" was saying how they "wish there was somewhere to go..." So, feeling supported, I opened a cozy wine bistro, open for lunch into the evenings. I had the largest selection of Otago wines on the planet. The pinots alone went on for four pages!! Almost 400 different wines to choose from. I served tapas and boards, easy food. And coffee, of course. And great homemade desserts and ice cream pies, etc.

The Mr and I hung in there for almost ten months. Every night we held the fort. In the beginning, when every business is finding their way, we were flavour of the month. But we made many mistakes and alienated some people, others loved us, some hated us. So many guests, all day. Then came the rugby world cup and we had heaps of travelers. Then Xmas and summer season, always busy. But then things changed. No one came in the evening and less and less during the day.

Before the first winter we changed the hours going forward and opened for home-cooked breakfast. I should be offering breakfast "they" said. So I did. I love breakfast, it is my favourite meal of the day. But no one came for breakfast, except the travelers on the road. We tweaked the hours more and more until we morphed into a café. I left for a mid winter break with staff in charge and they took their wages but did not do the hours. I guess I have been behind the 8 ball ever since.

Long story short, staff came and went, never satisfied. And I honestly could not give them the hours they needed as there was little traffic. No local support. I have been working the café all alone for almost a year now and it is tough. On busy days I get to hear all the customers ask why I don't have staff. But staff costs money. And there is none. My parents are old and ill and I am an only child. Last year I had to close twice to fly to the States. Not open = no revenue. But the bills remain. I often open late or must close early for overseas telephone calls, etc.

Today I received a very negative review on TripAdvisor. I certainly realize that everyone has their own opinion and I respect that. He did not like his meal. I always ask if everything is OK after serving but I understand some people just say "yes" and moan later. Fair enough. He called me rude. I don't consider myself rude. But maybe it was a bad day, or week. Maybe I was just tired or disappointed that he was the first customer of the day after being there cooking and baking for five hours.

The problem is, there is (some) truth in what he wrote. I was probably tired and "over it" that day. It is hard to be 500% positive every single day of the year. Be your own pep squad. It is hard to try and try, put all your love and spirit and creativity and money and time into something and have no sense of accomplishment. It is hard to muster up the interest to vacuum or dust, again, as no one cares as no one is stopping in. It is so easy to adopt a "who cares anyway" attitude. The problem is, some people do care and if you treat them wrong, they write mean reviews on the internet.

That was the straw today. "Greg" on the North Island was disappointed in his visit to my café and I cannot turn back time and change it. Does he know how hard I try and care and think about things? No. He came in and was disappointed. No customer should be disappointed. I feel bad about that. But maybe it is a warning sign. To myself.

If I came off as mean, it was not my intention. I feel bad and ashamed that this person up north thinks I do not care. I do care. I get all inspired by new recipes, have been to heaps of cooking schools and workshops to get better. I don't think anyone notices. People bad mouth me in town. That is normal, I guess. Gossip and all that jazz. They have no idea what they are talking about, just chirp in. But it hurts as behind this person is drive and creativity, life savings and determination, true interest in customer service and actually this town. And every bit of negative gossip just hits you on the peg a bit more, until that peg is in the ground.

It breaks my heart that the future of my wee café is in jeopardy. But between my eventual obligations to my parents, my own expiration date in regard to working alone day in day out, and trying to please locals who do not care - I guess it's time. Time to move on, somehow. That makes me very sad, and scared.